Regardless of what you have lost, grief is a process that cannot be rushed, and some losses are more challenging to process than others. Sometimes, the loss is so significant and the pain so deep, you can’t move, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you can’t watch TV, you can’t listen to music, you can’t read. When you actually attempt to manage any of that, it feels unnatural and awkward; nothing helps the pain deep in your heart and soul.
I experienced intense grief this last year with my physical separation from my husband of 15 years. The timing for such a loss is never ideal. Still, it was particularly challenging as we separated just two weeks before Covid, which I then had to navigate without the only life partner I have known, as well as losing my two wonderful kids half of the time.
I know I was not alone, as Covid brought collective grief many of us are still grappling with. From isolation to loneliness, fear for our health, fear for our loved ones’ health, uncertainty, financial loss, politics, social injustices, death of loved ones without a chance to say goodbye, and the loss of what would have been in 2020 had there not been a global pandemic.
The true healer is—TIME. A little over one year later, I feel myself coming back. I have moments where I feel like I have regained my 20-something-year-old spirit again. I have hope again. I forgive myself. I have moments of authentic happiness. I’m starting to enjoy my alone time. I’m feeling motivated to write for Wild Mint again. So, in honor of these moments, I thought it was time to speak up and share what I have been going through, including a few tips I have learned along the way that have helped me maintain my health while processing enormous emotions.
I hope that maybe one or more of these tips can help you through your grief if that is where you are right now. It may not feel like it, but grieving is a process we come out on the other side of, and you are never alone.
Purchase already prepared healthy meals
Generally, I am passionate about nutrition, love to cook, and love to eat whole fresh foods. Before the separation, I enthusiastically prepared all my food for myself and my family. So, it surprised me that I couldn’t even stand to be in the kitchen during the beginning months of my grief.
Everything felt enormously heavy to a take on, even things that once brought me joy. Although money was tight post-divorce, I took the nutrition knowledge I had gained over the years and started purchasing healthy prepared salads, soups, and meals at our local grocery store co-op. Even on a budget, I saved money buying prepared meals, as the alternative was letting the produce I purchased go bad because I was unmotivated to cook. If I didn’t have something quick on hand, I would get take-out instead, which was the hardest on my budget.
Your nutritional challenges during grief may differ from mine, as you may feel unmotivated to eat or may gravitate towards sweets and comfort foods. Whatever your grief go-to is, prepared grocery store meals are often the healthiest option.
Take key supplements
Whether you don’t eat enough or eat too much when grieving, take high-quality supplements to ensure you maintain your essential vitamins, minerals, and nutrients. We each have unique nutritional needs, but the supplements to prioritize daily include:
- High-quality probiotic
- Multivitamin with zinc and vitamin C
- Cod liver oil or capsule
- Vitamin D support
Not all multivitamins contain both zinc and vitamin C, but both are essential for your immunity—so take them separately if you must. Our gut microbes can be thrown off balance during grief, making probiotics of greater importance. Vitamin D is essential if you live in the northern hemisphere or don’t get out in the sun often enough. Even if you are still social distancing, you can sit by a window with bright sunlight.
Drink water and lots of tea
Grief may leave you craving alcohol to get through the day. Or drinking excessive amounts of coffee just to get out of bed. Or turning to your favorite sugar-filled sweet drinks to provide momentary joy.
Whatever distraction you are tempted to explore when in immense grief, keep it out of the house to minimize the temptation. Not only are these options unhealthy, but these distractions can also halt your grieving process and leave you spiraling dangerously out of control. Instead, allow yourself to feel your feelings as the only way out is through.
So, in addition to stocking up on healthy foods and taking your daily supplements, remove the unhealthy temptations from your home. Then, stock up on a variety of healthy beverages. This can include your favorite herbal teas, coconut water, smoothies, sparkling water, spring water, and freshly squeezed juices.
About 60% of our bodies are made of water. Almost every major internal function requires us to maintain adequate internal hydration. If we do not replenish the water we lose each day; it can:
- Decrease our immunity
- Increase fatigue
- Slow digestion
- Decrease focus
- Lower energy levels
- Slow metabolism
- Increase risk for headaches
- Dull and dry skin and complexion
- And more
For added benefit and a bit more flavor, drink a few cups of herbal tea each day. Yes, this can include caffeinated herbal tea; just be sure to cut caffeine off by at least 3 pm. Feel free to add honey or agave.
Herbal teas are antioxidant-rich and can be selected for either flavor profile and nutritional benefits. Maybe soothing chamomile or lavender before bed, or flowers and herbs that can assist with grief and mental wellbeing such as:
· Hawthorn
· Rose
· Motherwort
· Linden
· Tulsi
Walk
I was in ideal physical shape prior to Covid and my divorce and genuinely enjoyed physical fitness. Due to Covid, going to the gym was no longer an option—and due to both my divorce and Covid, I wasn’t motivated to exercise at home. I literally could not get myself to do anything for months other than walk. I walked, and walked, and walked. Mostly around my neighborhood, but on better days, I would go on an actual hike. It was literally the only thing I felt like doing. Walking not only helped pass the day, but it also kept me in shape.
The more exercise you can do, the better you will feel daily. Take it one day at a time as getting motivated enough to simply get out of bed can take all of your energy. If you can muster up the energy to walk, even when not in grief, it will boost your “feel-good” hormones serotonin and dopamine to improve the remainder of your day.
If you’re motivated to do more than walk, great, but if you are like me—just walk, feel good with that, and let the time pass. Listening to upbeat music while you walk can further benefit you as music can elevate your mood, reduce anxiety and depression, and even get you motivated to do your daily walk or workout.
Be gentle with yourself
Beating yourself up will only make things worse, so be gentle with yourself in every way. If you don’t get out of bed today or don’t eat well, don’t walk, don’t clean the house, don’t get your to-do list items done—for now, it’s okay. Whether you can do something or nothing, trust whatever you’re doing is what you need at the moment. The only thing that will relieve the pain is time, and it will. You will survive one day at a time.
Set an intention to eat something healthy the next moment you feel like eating. Set an intention to be productive tomorrow. If you achieve your intention, great—if you don’t, there’s always tomorrow. Whatever it is you need in each moment is okay, so go with that.
Identify safe spaces to share
It’s not only important that you don’t beat yourself up but that you surround yourself with loving and supportive people who will allow you to grieve as you need to. You are not alone if those you thought would be there for you in challenging times are not providing the support you need.
Maybe they are well-intentioned but pushing you too hard. Maybe they are trying to pretend that nothing happened. Or telling you to stuff it down and fake it till you make it. Or worst of all, shaming you for your grieving process or blaming you for your loss.
Thankfully, you have plenty of options. If an unexpected person or two offers their support—take it. Reach out to someone who went through a similar challenge to see if they can provide insight or support. Identify a live or online support group so that you have people you can turn to. Consider talk therapy for the unbiased and compassionate ear of a trained professional—ideally, someone who specializes in grief. Read books, listen to podcasts, and identify resources and healthy outlets that work for you.
It may also be helpful to understand the stages of grief. There are two primary grief philosophies, one that suggests 5 stages of grief, one that suggests 7 stages of grief. Identifying where you are can help you feel less alone and help you to understand that your current stage is part of the healing process:
5 Stages of Grief
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
7 Stages of Grief
1. Shock and denial
2. Pain and guilt
3. Anger and bargaining
4. Depression
5. Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance and hope
Grief changes you
When in grief and loss, you may be consciously or subconsciously waiting for things to return to “normal.” While feeling like yourself again is undoubtedly a priority, grief changes you. Where there is loss, there is always the opportunity to grow. For example, if someone you loved has passed away and you left things unsaid, you are more likely to say the things (both loving and challenging) to those who are still here.
After my separation, I read so many books that provided insight and awareness I wish I’d had earlier in my life. This led to intense guilt, as I considered that if I knew then what I knew after my divorce, maybe I could have saved my marriage. This was simply part of my grieving process as I continue to work toward acceptance. I now feel thankful that I get to take all that I have learned with me into my future relationships.
Here’s a reading list of books on grief covering a range of losses.
Your usual motivators may not help
I am a strong advocate of lifestyle tips such as meditating, creating a morning routine, journaling and preparing whole food meals. If any of these resonate with you while grieving, certainly mix them into your day. But if they don’t, it’s okay.
Personally, I couldn’t do many of the wellness practices I typically enjoy. My grief was immense, and it took me a year to feel ready to care for myself with my usual practices.
This too shall pass
I understand that it doesn’t feel like it now, but this will pass. No matter how tragic, disruptive, and life-altering, time heals everything. Find a caring support system that will allow you to be where you are. There will be good days and bad days, so take things one day at a time.
I wish you so much love and deep healing on your journey.
With Wild Mint Love,
Kimberley Hall
